filing for dummies
by riftactivity
Summary: Owen/Ianto little funny stories pre-series. Suzie, Tosh and Jack play along
1. filing for dummies

« Owen, are you sure these DNA samples have been analyzed correctly. »

« Of course I'm sure, what's the problem. »

« I can't integrate them into the matrix. Says the DNA substructures are incorrect. »

« Send me the reading... »

_Ianto storms into the hub looking murderous._

« Owen!! What's this? »

« I wouldn't know Ianto. You tell me »

« It's a case file Owen. Guess for which creature. »

« Oh ..turning it into a quiz are you?? OK. Let me guess then... I have no idea. »

« It's the file your wrote about the kreznog »

« Right, the slimy buggers. I remember them, it took two days to clean the autopsy table. »

« Yeah, I would know, as it's me who did all the cleaning. »

« Oh right ..So what's your problem exactly? »

« You filed it under T!! Kreznog does not start with a T. »

« 'The' starts with a T »

« Owen!! Do you have any idea how many cabinets I'd need to reorganize if we start filing everything under 'The' »

« Well, knowing you, you already did the math. »

« Well ...yes I have actually, 148 cabinets it would cost me 7 days and 6 hours!! »

« Ok! Bloody calm down will you!! Next time I'll.. »

« NO!! There'll be no next time, as of now you'll put your files on my desk when you're through and I'll file them !!»

_Ianto leaves the hub obviously happy with the way things went._

_Tosh throws Owen a disapproving look._

« you did that on purpose didn't you »

« Yep, any idea how I can get him to do my laundry? »


	2. Laundry day

"Bet you a tenner it's not going to work" Suzie said.

Owen just winked at her, confident as hell.

"He's just a teaboy Suzie, he'll never notice."

After an assignment the team often came back drenched in mud, blood or slimy alien substances. They usually showered at the hub, where they all had a small stack of clothes to change into.

Ianto had offered to do the laundry after every "dirty job" in order to save tons on drycleaningbills and Retcon, because sometimes even Ianto didn't know how to explain just how that amount of blood had been spilled on their garments.

Owen was startled when suddenly Ianto dropped a bag of dirty laundry on his desk.

"Owen, I believe this is yours. I think you inadvertently put it in the bin for assignment clothes."

"I .. what?? Of course I didn't! I wore those today and yesterday. These are fieldwork casualty clothes."

Ianto just smiled at him politely.

"I have an eye for fashion Owen, I can tell you exactly what each of you wore this week and unless you wear 3 layers of jeans and 3 T shirts a day I don't think these are from yesterday or today." while leaving he gave Owen a few pointer, " Don't overdo Jeans 40° is more than sufficiant, T-shirts at 60 unless indicated otherwise, your silk "pull-shirt"? Better wash that one sensitive. You can find the information on the labels inside the items. Have fun."

He could hear Tosh chuckling in the background and Suzie came over, hand outstretched to collect her tenner.

"Outwitted by a teaboy _Doctor_ Owen Harper? Please tell me how much it stings."

It took Suzie and Tosh half a day to stop laughing.


	3. Messenger

Owen stood in Jack's office and called out to Tosh.

.

"Where's Jack?"

"He's out, weevilhunting I think."

.

Owen saw Jack's computer, apparently he'd forgotten to lock his station.

Ianto was supposed to be in the tourist information office.

This was going to be fun.

He opened Jack's messenger and started typing.

.

Captain-hardness : Ianto, are you there?

No reply

Captain-hardness : Ianto ?

It took a while before he got an answer but eventually Ianto did reply :

Mr. Jones : Yes sir?

Captain-hardness : I want to do you Ianto.

Mr. Jones : that's very inappropriate, Sir. If you need coffee you just need to ask.

Captain-hardness : No Ianto, I want to do you, first on the desk. Then in the shower. And a blowjob in my bunk would be nice.

Mr. Jones : I'm really sorry Sir, but I don't think that will be possible for the moment, or any other time for that matter.

Captain-hardness : Ianto you don't seem to understand. It's not open for discussion. I'm the boss around here. My office in 10 min. That's an order.

Mr. Jones : Sir, I know a bit about the law and this conversation alone could get you into terrible trouble.

Mr. Jones : Also, Jack, who is standing next to me at this very moment, wants me to inform you of two things.

Mr. Jones : One : you have a severe lack of imagination.

Mr. Jones : Two : if that report on yesterday's alien is not on his desk NOW. He'll do _you_ in ways you don't want to experience.

(Captain-hardness has left the conversation.)

--

"Thanks for this Sir." Ianto said gratefully.

"I'll do you? If that's his pickup line, I'm surprised he gets laid at all." Jack seemed to find this very amusing.

"Do you have an pickup line Sir?"

"Me? No, talking is not my thing. I'm better at groping" Jack said, squeezing Ianto's butt.

"That's ..." But Jack interrupted him, while making his way towards the hub's secret door.

"Yeah yeah ... harassment, I know. Fill in the appropriate form and file it with the rest!"


	4. Shower

Owen has been playing the same annoying little game for 3 weeks now.

He's been misplacing Ianto's things, screwing up Ianto's organized workspace, switched the Cuban coffee with the Brazilian brand.

Then he started switching Ianto's red Biro filling with his black one, hid Ianto's car keys and repeatedly changed the code to the archive.

It had been quiet lately and Owen didn't do quiet well, it turned him into an ass.

Owen never apologized, he just said "My mistake" over and over again and it was driving Ianto crazy.

* * *

That day everybody came back from a mission drenched in mud.

They went to take a shower while Ianto was collecting the dirty laundry.

"Oi Ianto !! Can you pass me the shower gel please?"

Ianto did just that, leaned back against the wall, took out his stopwatch and pushed the button on the top.

Two min and fifty-eight seconds later there was a roar from Owen's cubicle.

Jack came out of his shower, not slightly embarrassed about being naked. Tosh and Suzie came out a bit later wearing a towel.

"You bloody fucking retard!! what have you given me!! What is that thing!!"

A flask was thrown over the shower-curtain and fell in front of Suzie's feet.

"Oh my god! Ianto, you didn't!!"

Owen was still cursing like a sailor. "What is it !! SUZIE !! tell me NOW !!"

"Calm down Owen, it's an alien hair remover. It's something Jack gave me because I hate waxing and we were talking.."

"I don't want to _fucking_ know your _fucking_ waxing-habits Suzie!! LOOK AT ME !!"

Owen opened the curtain, he had no hair left. Nothing on his head, no eyebrows, hairless arms and legs and probably nothing behind the towel he wore 'round his waist.

Jack was laughing so hard he had to lean against the wall. "you're hairless !! you've got no hair!!" He said, then pointed at the towel "They say it looks bigger without hair, can we see?"

"IANTO !! I'm going to kill you for this! And don't say you didn't do it on purpose!! I know you did!!"

"Sorry Owen, my mistake" Ianto could somehow keep a straight face while Suzie and Jack could hardly breath and Tosh seemed to swing between laughing and crying.

"LOOK AT ME !!" Owen yelled, he moved in front of the mirror "Oh my god! Just look at me! FUCK!"

Suzie stood behind him looking at Owen's reflection.

"You won't be fucking anything looking like that sweetie."

Owen looked like he wanted to say something, but he just stormed out.

Suzie and Tosh went back to the showers, but Jack stood next to Ianto. Still naked and still not embarrassed.

"You know we have a lotion that reverses the effect, don't you?"

"Yes sir."

"When are you planning on telling him?"

"In about a week?" Ianto tried.

"Today Ianto!"

"4 days?" Ianto said, a hint of defiance in his voice.

"Today !!"

"Tomorrow?"

Jack thought about it.

"Tomorrow morning!"

"OK sir, tomorrow evening it is." Ianto said leaving the bathroom in a hurry.


	5. Doctor Harper

"Ianto, can I talk to you for a sec?"

Owen had a very grave tone to his voice. Ianto looked up, slightly puzzled.

"Sure, what's wrong?"

Owen moved closer to the tourist information desk.

"Remember how I took some blood samples when you started working here?"

Ianto instinctively knew something was wrong because Owen was a joker and an ass at times but one thing he took very seriously was his job.

"Is something wrong?" Ianto put down the file he was working on.

"I'm afraid there is. Your tests came back wrong. Have you been tired lately?"

Ianto started feeling nervous.

"A bit, but Torchwood is no 9 to 5 job so I didn't really worry about it."

Owen moved to where Ianto was standing. He looked in Ianto's eyes pulling his eyelids up to get a better view.

"Problems concentrating? Dizziness?"

"I don't know, not specifically." Ianto thought for a minute "Maybe a bit. Owen what's wrong. Should I worry?"

"Look mate, I don't want to be the bringer of bad news but you'll have to follow my orders by the letter. Your results are bad, really bad."

Ianto had never seen Owen that concerned. He was grateful for it but he felt slightly nauseous, this was no time to be sick, he needed to stay here, work for Torchwood.

"I'll give you a prescription" Owen said while filling in the appropriate form "if your tests don't come in better in a few weeks I'll refer you to a specialist. I won't tell Jack just yet, he would put you on leave and then you'd have to much time to worry."

"OK, but Owen, what's wrong with me?"

Owen handed him the prescription and turned to leave the tourist office.

"Owen!! You fucking! bloody! retard!!" there was a whole string of words that followed, presumably welsh curses "this is a prescription for vitamin C"

"Yeah I know, I had a bet with Suzie. Said I could make the proper tea-boy swear. Now if you could just smile and wave at the camera."

The last thing Owen remembered, was the paperweight hitting him hard between the eyes.


	6. Computer maintenance

"Ianto! Could I talk to you for a minute."

Ianto took the file he was working on and entered Jack's office.

"Do you need anything sir?"

"Yes Ianto. Could you tell me what Owen is doing right now?"

"Well if I'm not mistaken, he's sitting right over there." Ianto pointed at Owen's workstation "It seems to me like he's working."

"No, no, no. See Ianto. When Owen's working, he's usually not sweating, neither is he a nervous wreck or rebooting his computer every 5 minutes and although he swears all the time, this morning he has broken his personal record."

"Well, I believe he asked Tosh if she messed with his PC Sir, maybe he's lost some documents or something important."

"Right..." Jack gave him a knowing look "You deleted his porn haven't you?"

"I believe I may have removed some unsuitable content from his office computers, Sir."

"Isn't that like destruction of private property?"

"Not if you put it on disk it isn't" Ianto removed a disk from the file he brought in earlier.

"On disk huh?"

"I can give it back to him if you want me too Sir."

"Hmm.. maybe later, I think it will be good for him to sweat it out a bit."

"Whatever you say sir." Ianto said, handing over the disk to Jack. "If that's all, I still have some files to work on."

"Yes, yes, of course." Jack mumbled "Oh Ianto... I have a very important phone call with ..uhm ...UNIT about now, if you ..."

"I'll ask the others not to disturb you if that's what you mean."

"That would be nice, thank you Ianto. Close the door when you leave thanks."

"No problem, anything else you'd like, coffee, chocolate, tissues?"

"uh.. no, no that will be all."

Ianto left Jack's office and went over to Owen's desk.

"Owen, Jack would like to speak to you in his office in 5 minutes, it's important."

"Right, OK, 5 min it is. Thanks mate."

As Ianto passed Tosh's desk he gave her a mischievous grin.

"Two in one" she whispered happily.


	7. Coffee

This morning I got up and noticed I'd run out of coffee. Everybody knows not to talk to me before I've had my coffee. Coffee makes me nice and sweet. So I came up with this thing.

* * *

They were all sitting in Jack's office going through the morning debriefing. Not really debriefing anything but it was a bit of a habit to sit around and talk while having a nice cup of coffee.

Ianto didn't attend the morning meeting very often. Not that he wasn't welcome but he usually made the coffee and left to do some morning checks.

Today wasn't any different, Ianto came in, gave everyone their mugs and turned to leave.

« Oi mate? What's that? »

« That, Owen, is tea. »

Everybody just stared at Ianto, then at their cup.

« We can see that Ianto, but we drink coffee, _your _wonderfully delicious coffee. »

« I'm sorry Jack but someone pointed out that I'm just 'a Teaboy'. So I'll stick to my duties and bring you people Tea. Now if you'll excuse me. I have some work to do. »

As soon as Ianto was gone, Tosh and Suzie stood up and left the conference room, because if there was one thing everybody knew, it was that Jack without his caffeine fix, wasn't exactly Jack. He was more of a ticking time bomb and they didn't want to sit around waiting for him to go boom.

Jack stood up slowly and came to stand in front of Owen's chair. He put his hands on the armrests and leaned in close enough for Owen to feel Jack's breath on his face.

« This is what you're going to do Owen » Jack said with a menacing voice « You're going to grovel, you're going to beg. You're going to do whatever is needed for him to bring me coffee by the next coffee round. Because if you don't, If I have to go look for my coffee fix anywhere that is not here. I'm going to come down on you so hard you won't know what hit you. »

Jack leaned in even closer as Owen shrank away from him.

« I'll specify what I mean by that. If you don't succeed in making him the wonderful coffee-fairy he is. I'll personally give your balls to Mayfanwy to play with, drag you down to the cells and feed the rest of you to Janet. Do.You.Understand. »

« I… uh…yeah…sure… » Jack moved away so Owen could stand up.

« Any idea how you're going to handle this Owen » Jack asked while Owen straightened his shirt.

« Just what you said I guess. Grovel, beg, give him loads of money , clean his shoes, do his admin.»

« If that doesn't work, you can try kissing his ass, suck.. »

« you're a sick fuck Jack Harkness. »

« I meant suck it up and say your sorry!! »

« Oh, right, well of course, that's a brilliant idea.»


	8. Dance for me

"No but honestly, what did you give him?"

"Some alien uppers I tested on rats last week. They didn't react in the same way tough; they just seemed happy and relaxed."

"I think that's just how I'd describe Ianto at the moment, happy and relaxed."

Jack had a hard time concentrating as Ianto was rubbing his hips against the railing of the stairs in a casual, albeit wanton way.

Suzie and Tosh had gone home because Jack wanted to spare Ianto the embarrassment later on but Owen needed to stay, just in case things went terribly wrong and Ianto had to be sedated or confined to the vaults.

For once Owen had wanted to do good. Ianto had been so uptight and stressed the last few days that slipping some drips in his coffee had seemed like a good Idea.

He'd never expected Ianto to go all sexy-dans-queen on them.

Jack caught Ianto's tie, apparently dancing wasn't the only thing on Ianto's mind as he was positively unbuttoning his shirt. All this while doing some impressive moves.

"God he's flexible…"

"Jack you're drooling."

"No but really, can you bend backwards that far? You'd think he does this every day."

Owen just rolled his eyes then jumped to catch Ianto's shoe before it knocked over his computer screen.

Jack was grinning broadly.

"I can't believe there's a half naked, drugged, young Welshman at the hub and I'm not going to take advantage of the situation. I must be getting old."

"Or you're growing morals."

Jack thought about that for a minute. Nah, getting old it was.

"So you think he'll go full Monty?" Owen tried not to look because Ianto pulling down his pants while wiggling his ass in their direction was downright perturbing.

Jack didn't seem to have the same reservation as he kept his eyes steadily on the young men.

"Ianto? No…He's to well bred to do anything… wow!! Not that well bred apparently."

Owen turned round in time to see Ianto's shorts land on his keyboard.

"Now that is gross! Jack I want a new keyboard !! NOW!!"

Jack just smiled and Owen was almost certain Jack wetted his lips. Of all things he hoped to achieve by drugging Ianto, arousing Jack wasn't one of them.

"Ok, big boss. You go to your Office and you don't come out of there unless I call you." Owen shoved Jack towards his office door. "This is embarrassing. Not only do I have to deal with 'mister happy puppy' there" he said pointing at Ianto "but also make sure 'mister horny boss' doesn't get his hands on him."

Jack pouted but went into his office. Before he closed the door he reminded Owen of the obvious consequence of his action.

"Ianto will kill you for this."

"Yeah about that… I was thinking. You know with Ianto being… well Ianto, maybe, for the poor bloke's sake..."

"Retcon and deleted CCTV footage?" Jack nodded.

Owen breathed a sigh of relief.

"And Owen! Call me when he sings 'like a virgin' again, I loved what he did to that chair…"


End file.
